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Yesterday we left New York. What a relief.
Leaving Texas from there is like waking up from a bad night’s sleep. It’s like going from Texans to Cowboys. You know what, I don’t even know what that means. I know nothing about sports.
It’s like moving from a Joy Behar bed to anything that isn’t a Joy Behar bed. I would even take a bed with nails. What I know.
And thank you, by the way, for the gift basket. I was in Texas just one day and I already got an AR-15 Bible, and Beta O’Rourke balls in a jar of pickles.
I’m kidding. We all know that Beto has no swords. Even Caitlin Jenner would tell him to grow a couple.
Remember when he said he would come for your weapon, and you said, “Yeah, try it, Nancy.” This guy couldn’t get a glue gun from an art teacher.
And yet, he wants to run for governor. This is a joke. His chances of becoming governor are as good as Hunter Biden, who will take a drug test.
Originally I had Kat’s name, but I realized Hunter was more funny.
That means Americans want an America that is more like America.
And, like our show, a lot of people come here for the same reason, especially from California, which makes sense.
There are transitions in one direction and an apocalypse in the other.
California is home to the nation’s largest share of billionaires as well as the highest poverty rate.
They build walls around their mansions, but turn your yards into truck bathrooms. Except for more cocoa.
This means that when California goes to hell in a handmade basket woven by progressive figures, rich and powerful no matter what. So, everyone between them has no choice but to go to greener pastures.
I can’t blame them. Everything in Texas is bigger and better.
Even the Cat has grown since she was here. She is at least 5 feet 3 ”.
But Texas had a better response to COVID than New York, probably because your governor didn’t kill more grandmothers than a poorly laid carpet.
If these grandmothers were hotter, Cuoma could keep them close. It’s disgusting. It’s disgusting.
So here’s a comparison: Texas doesn’t have a state income tax or inheritance tax, but California and New York have some of the highest in the country, which means you Texans could have more money for your kids, and under the kids I I mean firearms.
In Texas, the college’s best football team is named after a majestic, impressive breed of cattle. In California, the college’s best football team is named after condoms.
In Texas, you have a noisy new Tesla factory at Ilona Mask’s home base. In California, they have 39 empty cheese factories, and in front of each lives a homeless guy.
So one state builds cars and another forces people to live in them.
In Texas you have to build a wall to protect the border. In New York we had to build a wall to protect women from our governor.
In Texas, the state bird is the northern mockingbird. In New York. It is a fat pigeon with one eye and a human finger in its mouth.
We call it Doocy.
In Texas you have Joe Rogan. In New York, they have CNN or what’s left of CNN. Every day someone is fired or arrested. They are so desperate at CNN that some employees have been forced to persecute themselves.
There is Hillary Clinton in New York. There is no Hillary Clinton in Texas.
There is a rodeo in Texas. In New York there is a rat with a slice of pizza.
In Texas, there are real cowboys who speak polite and know how to handle weapons. In California, they have Alec Baldwin.
In Texas, hoedown is a dance. In New York, this is what a cop says on the radio with a prostitute, handed out on your porch.
Yeah, and the two steps are when you need to jump over a bunch of street feces.
Texas is known for its beautiful cattle. This is true in New York. Talk about foot and mouth disease.
So here in Texas, there is a big gap between the residents and Mexico. In California, there is a huge gap between the governor’s ears.
Here in Texas, you have the best barbecue in the world. In California, pineapples are put on pizza. It’s like putting on Miranda Lambert’s mustache that she could tear off.
In California they have lean soy without a decaf latte. In Texas, you drink coffee. And testosterone.
In California you have San Francisco. In Texas, you don’t.
There are males and females in Texas. In California, New York, there is only one new gender, and it’s called a loser. They use more hair dye than shampoo.
In California and New York you can smash and grab. In Texas you break and grab, you fall and die.
In California, the homeless can poop on your lawn. Try this in Dallas and it’s the last poop you’ll ever take.
In Texas, you create heroes like Sam Houston and Davy Crockett. But, you know, California degenerated me. Yes, I was beautiful.
True, California has Warner Brothers, Universal Studios and Paramount Pictures. But Texas has a Greg Gutfeld show.
The difference is sharp. It’s a reminder of who makes the country work and how these people allow other idiots to develop.
You are the people who create a civil, legitimate society, a place where idiots who mock you can live.
Right now you see how the press treats truckers. Here’s how they think of you.
Truckers are proxies for typical non-journalists, not the media of hard-working people. It’s you. Your family, your state.
So this week we welcome you, Texas, and the hardworking, cheerful, ugly Texans that you are.
This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld’s introductory commentary to “Gutfeld!” of February 21, 2022.