DEAR AMY: Should I accompany my husband to his parents’ house to tell them we are divorcing – after 32 years of marriage?
“Dan” and I have been together since high school and lived five minutes from my relatives for 30 years.
We see them at least once a month.
After careful consideration, we decided that divorce was the most responsible course of action for us, for reasons I won’t explain.
My husband asked me to go with him to tell his parents, but I am conflicted.
I feel like closure is important and respectful, but we’re not divorcing because things are great.
I feel like my husband knows it will be easier for him if I’m with him, but I don’t want to show that everything is fine.
What do you think? In what ways can I process this news?
I also worry that the scene will be too emotional for me and I would like to avoid that.
– Cleavage
DEAR SEPARATION! Not every divorce is a “conscious separation” and it would be naive to believe that accompanying your spouse will bring “closure” to your relatives. Closing is hard and you can never believe you made it.
When the two of you announce your divorce, your in-laws will probably feel that things are not right.
One of the reasons to accompany your husband is to witness the story he tells his parents (although that story can always change later) and to respectfully and discreetly let them know that this is a joint decision, without piling on the details, accusations, or your deep and personal disappointment in to his son.
I believe that you should make the effort to see your relatives in person, and whether you do it with your spouse or alone, you should prepare yourself for this potentially emotional moment.
This news can be very upsetting for an elderly couple, and knowing that your very long relationship with them is changing can be quite emotional.
Divorce is sad and sad – even if it’s late. I hope you keep your balance as well as your friendship with your relatives.
***
DEAR AMY! After being out of work due to the pandemic, my husband has reconnected with old friends and distant family.
It was great for him to be able to catch up with them, but there was a constant problem.
Spouses tend to sit in the background and listen to these calls – or even tune in. He can never talk to a person alone.
It’s embarrassing to say, “Give my wife hi from me” and hear her answer in person – without my husband knowing she’s been monitoring the call the whole time.
Any suggestions on how to handle this? Or is that just the way it is?
– Mary
DEAR MARY: Current protocol is that if a caller is on speakerphone and there is more than one person in the room, the caller should be informed, “Hello, you’re on speakerphone, and Tina is with me.”
Your husband’s relatives do not do this, so he should start by asking: “How is Tina – is she in the room with you?” A greeting at the beginning of a conversation can inspire her to move on.
Using a video link would give him at least some knowledge of other people nearby.
If your husband has something personal to discuss, he should say so. If he just wants to have a one-on-one conversation without much results (obviously), he might ask his relative, “Could you call me back sometime when you’re alone? I feel a little shy walking down memory lane with other people in the room.’
***
DEAR AMY: In response to the problem of handling predatory senior charitable appeals, my mom has received a ton of these letters.
I found out that this was because when they called her and asked if she would promise them (amount) of money, she always said yes.
I told her to give it up, but she just couldn’t, she’s too kind and loves people.
My sisters collected all the mail and I called every charity and explained that she would never pay them and they were just wasting time and money.
They all understood her and removed her from the call and mailing lists.
– I called them
THEIR DEAR CHALLENGES: This was a good and proactive solution to a persistent problem.
(You can write to Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or email Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
© 2022 Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
